A fantasy and vision of a woman, who I don’t even know is dead or alive, I don’t know where is she or what is she doing, or if she is/was what she always wanted to be. Probably another unsolved mysteries of this annoyingly amazing life.
She stood alone and always pictured herself in the most heavenly places on earth. She never complained about her freedom because one day, she knew, she will become a stand alone, comprehensive human being striving for happiness on her own infinite path that no one would dare to cross. What is explained as the mankind’s weakness, was rather her strength and hence she thrived. Anger, anxiety and excitement were her black commandos in life. They made her feel weak sometimes because they surrounded her like a wall and hence she could not see what was beyond. But, at the same time they stood beside her as her strongest aegis and they prevented her from quitting and helped her grow into the person she always sought to be.
Everyone was oblivious to the desperation that existed within her. A desperation to perceive life and the serenity that earth offered to her. She couldn’t wait. Wait to feel the emotions that her body had, to get lost in the woods of life and find her way out, to fall in love with a man to whom she could give in, to drown in books that were yearning to be read, to be stupefied by the sucker punches of life, to travel the world by herself and for herself. She wanted to learn the famous dances of seduction, the ethereal languages of romanticism. She wanted to savor spaghetti and pizza, like the best orgasm ever. She wanted to have the best wine, not to get drunk, but feel its heat on her tongue and the way it would slide down her throat like a snake. She wanted her inner jowls to soak the echelon the wines held. She couldn’t wait to be selfish in order to catch hold of her happiness and the enigmatic pleasures of life. She coveted to live and feel it as it is, without anyone’s interference. She did not want to wait, depend or fight for her way of life. Rather impossible but no harm in thinking of an effortless, flowing life filled with pain, happiness and glory.
Pain is a strange, unexplored emotion. The kind everyone wants to avoid and escape from. She was an unusual being because she wanted to unfold that emotion and seek its marvelous consequences unlike the world around her. She fantasized about transforming into a captivating, intellectual, smart young woman who could change the world through her words and fortuitous actions, never knowing if it would be true. She pinned her hopes on pain, that it would make her fantasy come true and throw her off from the false retrospectives.
She witnessed women like herself turn into a man’s sacrificial animal, rather not just a man’s but the society’s. One difficulty she knew she would stumble upon was gaining her individuality and identity in this male dominating society. As it is, every woman first belongs to her family and when she’s married, she belongs to her husband and never does she belong to herself. The possibility for any woman to travel alone are negligible, because the uncouth mind of the society becomes vocal about its insular and irrational thoughts. But these are just a bunch of hideous thoughts that fill her mind with all the pessimism and prevent her to do things that she is meant to. She knew and was rather confident that she would get through it all and perform a blithe disregard to the expectations of others. The society would just be a bunch of round pebbles under her cocoon like feet that would soon grow wings and fly and flutter over the bridge between the visible and invisible. She set herself apart from the rest and she couldn’t have been more satisfied and fearless about it.
The thought of failing stifled her, it was a poignant reminder that if she could not do this, she couldn’t solve the mysteries and questions that have been constantly mocking her since the time her eyes had opened. But sadly she awaits for something to come up that could be means of catharsis for her, that could help her come out as she truly wanted to be. Probably a ripple of will power, confidence and fearlessness.